Lightbulb Jokes

Q: How many college athletes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he gets 3 hours credit for it.

Q: How many male chauvanists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, he holds the bulb in the socket and while the world revolves around him.

Q: How many phsychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one; but the lightbulb must first admit that it has a problem and then must really want to change.

Q:How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just two, but don't ask me how they got in there...

Q: How many Freemasons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I'm sorry, that secret is only available at the 14th degree.

Q: How many members of your sign does it take to change a light bulb?

ARIES: Just one. You want to make something of it?

TAURUS: One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

GEMINI: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep discussing who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

CANCER: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grieving process.

LEO: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

VIRGO: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- one millionth.

LIBRA: Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?

SCORPIO: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

CAPRICORN: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

AQUARIUS: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so....

PISCES: Light bulb? What light bulb?

Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.

Q: How many Censors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to ---- ------- ----- and another to ---- ----- ---- while ---- ---- - - -----with a ------.

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to screw it in and the other three to discuss the sexual implications.

Q: How many pro-lifers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to screw in the bulb and 6 to testify it was lit from the moment they began screwing.

Q: How many rednecks does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in and two to hear him brag about the screwing part.

Q: How many alcoholics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the lightbulb and another to drink until the room is spinning.

Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to stand on a chair and change it and one to say "I wish I was up there !"

Q: How many visitors to an art gallery does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: Two, one to do it and one to say "Huh ! My four-year old could've done that!"

Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the whole socket.

A: How many absurdists does it take to change a light bulb?
Q: Three. Two to catch the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with cottage cheese.

Q: How many ice skaters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the bulb and one to hire a hitman to club the other skater on the knee.

Q: How many mobsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: If I told you, I'd have to kill you.

Q: How many Nietzsches does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The light bulb is dead.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three-one to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired the house, and one to sue the bulb manufacturers.

Q: How many country & western singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love she is with the new one, and one to go "Yeeeee-Hah !" and throw his hat in the air.

Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they only screw the poor.

Q: How many Liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One Liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the social, economic, and ethnic communities.

Q: How many WWF wrestlers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to yank the old bulb out, throw it on the floor, try and jump onto it from a great height, and act real surprised when it rolls out of the way at the last minute, one to pretend to twist the new one in round and round so far it almost breaks, and some guy in a black and white stripey uniform whose function is never made quite clear to protest about something or other, to the complete indifference of the bulb changers.

Q: How many grandparents does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: When I was young, we didn't have lightbulbs. We had to walk three miles in the snow to the store to get oil for the lantern. By the time we returned home our toes were black with frostbite. And we liked it that we -- we loved it!

Q: How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, with just the right wrist action.

Q: How many Jewish American Princesses does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One -- to make a phonecall: "Daddy, I need a new apartment!"

Q: How many Witches does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: What do you want it changed into?

Q: How many poets does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Fifteen. One to write the poem on light, three to claim they wrote the poem first, ten to criticize the poem, and one to change the bulb -- in a metaphorical sense, of course.

Q: How many Texans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb and the other to make sure none of the light goes to Oklahoma or Louisiana.

Q: How many psychics does it take to replace a lightbulb?
A:

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One.
And you know why it only takes one? Because I'm the only person in this house who knows how to change a lightbulb! And if they did know how to change it, they wouldn't know where to find a lightbulb, even though they've been in the same cabinet for THE LAST 17 YEARS! And if one of them did actually change the bulb, a week later there would still be a chair under the bulb and the crumpled wrapper would still be under the chair! Why? Because I'm the only person in this family who knows how to take out the trash......