If God Had Voice Mail:

Thank you for calling heaven. Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for requests
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all other inquiries

I am sorry, all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1.
For Jesus, press 2.
For the Holy Spirit, press 3.
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, press 4.

To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then enter his or her social security number followed by the pound sign. (If you get a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666).

For reservations in heaven, please enter J-O-H-N 3:16

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.

Our computers show that you have already prayed once today, please hang up and try again tomorrow.

This office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. Please pray again on Monday after 9:30am.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.